Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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