I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
