either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
