I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
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I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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