I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Your cock deserves a montage
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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