All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
