he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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