Welp...herpes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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