Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
