So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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