I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
