I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
