Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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