so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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