I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
