The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
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A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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