So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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