What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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