from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
