how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Randomize
