I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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