There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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