watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
