She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
