i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral