Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.