Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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