Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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