note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
