I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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