at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
