If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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