i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
