if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
