a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
