She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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