i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
