So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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