non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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