Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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