i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
