apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I deserve this hangover.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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