Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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