I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
