my phone needs a breathalizer
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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