Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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