it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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