Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
