she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
