I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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