Everything about him screamed your future.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So squirting runs in the family.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You made out with two different species that night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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