Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
