Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
