"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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