I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
