I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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