the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
