it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
