i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
