Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Randomize
