I wish I could teleport
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
